?

Log in

Or connect using:
Ashley's secret public journal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Noelani's pirate protege

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Links
[Links:| homestar runner weebl + bob queen of wands exploding dog penny arcade Funniest thing ever! Lamb - w/live footage purple pussy ]

Fighting for awareness. Living for experience. [Jan. 9th, 2012|05:37 pm]
Noelani's pirate protege
I have been struggling with some obscure and underlying currents in my life as of late. My contract with the Coast Guard is up in less than a year now and we need to decide what the heck we are going to do. It has me warring internally between my true aspirations and the desire to support my family and be secure enough to not worry about where food or new tires will come from. I am terrified of becoming as destitute as I was prior to joining. But the idea of cashing in my goals and sacrificing the work I have put towards them up to this point... its like spiritual suicide.

So, I focus inward. I try to organize myself. Set mini-goals. Run for meditation. Run for accomplishment. Run to know that I can always be more exhausted but I will always run farther next week if I keep at it. I read to inspire myself, to stimulate my thinking, to try to reconnect with experience in a way that I have grown apart from in the years since my childhood.

There was a time where walking home from my daily destination was not a "weird" thing to do. There was a time when I wouldn't have thought twice about what people would think about me riding my bike in the winter. There was a time when I would mimic bird song on my walks home and talk to (chatter at) the squirrels in the trees.

Now I drive to work. I sit in front of a screen, which I have read suppresses the development of melatonin. I drive home. I sit in front of a screen. I stay up later than I should. I go to sleep and wake up exhausted. I go back to work... and so on.

This is a mild dramatization. In reality, I also cook every other day or so, clean a little everyday, take online classes, sew, and find projects and goals all the time that I work towards. BUT if I hit a rut the above description is exactly what my life becomes. I give into the void.

And really, even when I am working out, being active, eating right, avoiding screen time... I still feel a combination of disappointment and regret over the feeling that my "job" is not purposeful and that my dreams have yet to be realized (and of course that I am getting "old").

So, I have been reading a lot about following your path, motivating yourself, and opening yourself up to awareness of your surroundings again. Its been wonderful but has yet to evince a feeling of satisfaction in my life. However, I have gotten myself out of a very deep rut. I have started working out again, running daily, and just returning to discipline and introspection again. So, it has had a fairly significant positive influence on me.

Currently, I feel the greatest things I can be doing to reach the point of clarity I desire are to continue actively trying to reconnect with my spirituality and introspection, staying active and meditative, and making achievable and measurable mini-goals and holding myself accountable to them.

That said, I am off to a meeting with the Girl Scouts of America to get trained in the hopes that I will begin volunteering with them in the next few months.

<3
linkpost comment

aspirations [Nov. 23rd, 2010|04:53 am]
Noelani's pirate protege
Its very difficult to transition from wanting to do what you love to being thankful for the skills you have. I understand its a rough economy right now but It is very difficult to feel happy about being able to do work that you pretty much hate. I just feel like it requires such an enormous amount of faith and luck to feel comfortable taking the risk of following your dreams when they may not be very profitable. I imagine this is the true beauty of marriages. They allow one person to play it safe while the other can take the risks usually necessary to achieve success in your dreams. Becoming established so often takes an enormous investment. You can sort of tag team in a marriage allowing one and then the oher to achieve their goals and aspirations. Anyhow, these are the delirious ramblings of an overly tired crazy girl.
linkpost comment

introspective rounds [Nov. 23rd, 2010|03:27 am]
Noelani's pirate protege
My neighbor can be very loud and abrasive. I really did not like her when I first met her. I hated that she was always in our house when I got home. (My fiancee is unemployed and would invite her over to play board games and hang out.) Now that I have had some time I find that I am almost envious of her. I miss being so confident and courageous. I have been running on survival mode for so long now I haven't had time to think about what I wanted, whether I was happy, how I wanted to develop myself. Now that I am a mother and I am begining a family many of these questions are being brought to the surface, particularly because I am in a stable place in life. (Stable and stagnant.) I found myself daydreaming tonight about asking her to hang out with me one on one. A sort of mom's night out. We would be a very odd pair indeed! I don't know what in the world we would do together. But then again, sometimes I forget the commonalities of human existence.

I don't see myself staying in the military. I feel like it is stifling my Self, my creative individuality. However, it has provided me with the most perfect sanctuary in which to repair my life to the extent that I can actually think about the things I want, how to get them, what kind of life I want to build. It has given me the tools to pursue those things as well. (Almost all of those tools being financial stabilizers.) At the same time I am terrified by the prospect of getting out. Last time I was out of the military my life was such an enormous failure... its hard not to feel conditioned to expect it to always be that way. I don't want to feel stifled anymore yet, I don't want to feel desperately out of control. I never want to have to forfeit my Self in order to survive. (But admittedly, this has to happen on occasion in a life doesn't it?)

I am so thankful that I have found the man I have to share my life with. I am thankful that he shares so many of the same ideals and goals in life. (Even if its like solving a mystery trying to get them out of him. He's not always so aware of his own thoughts.) I laughed the other day about how we always chide on my sister for being such a hippie when if you really looked at our lives we are pretty hippieish ourselves. It was one of those rare moments where he was able to dredge up an incredibly astute, to the point observations. He said, "yeah but, we don't horde it over people's heads." Turns out that is exactly why we usually go on and on about not liking hippies. I just never put two and two together. We share so many of the same values and goals, but I am not about to judge someone or think that I am a better person simply because they do it different. I like that about us. I like that we can use cloth diapers, breastfeed, recycle, and use natural cleaning products without being idealism pushers. We do try to sell people on the cloth diapers at times, but its still a little different. We like them. We think they are a great product and they have saved us a HUGE amount of money. Anytime we know someone who is just starting out or who has tight money issues we let them know what our system is. Its up to them if they use it, no skin off our backs. But the product is good and I don't care how you slice it, 400$ for all the diapers and supplies you will ever need as long as you only ever have one child in diapers at a time is a bargain.

Anyhow... time for a breastpump break. (Which is incidently where all of this introspection began tonight. That and American Beauty.)

I have been thinking a lot about my youth lately. I miss so much about it. I miss not caring about what others think. I miss feeling like I was attractive no matter what crazy shit I was wearing. Anyhow... I think the introspection has left the room so Im going to stop writing now.
linkpost comment

where have I been/Why can't I sleep [Nov. 21st, 2010|02:04 am]
Noelani's pirate protege
Its been so long. In the years since I have kept this updated I have gone through some dramatic life changes. I moved to Colorado for a boy, had a painful breakup with said boy, struggled to recover financially to get back to Michigan and back into school, met a new boy, tried easing my way into school with an online class, nearly got evicted because that class was so damn expensive, had a massive conflict with the professor which ultimately led to me failing that class, ex-boy flirted and tried to break me up with new boy, new boy went to Iraq, ex-boy played romantic for like a day and then thought better of it, finally had enough money/the right circumstances to move home, moved back to Michigan, gained 20 pounds, started taking classes again, had car die mid-semester while commuting an hour to classes, had to buy a new car, new car died 1 month later, failed classes because I couldnt make the commute and it was too late to drop them, new boy visited from Iraq and bought me a junker, repeatedly tried to get jobs and failed, moved in with my dad, began working out like a crazy person, lost 30 pounds, joined the coast guard, lost 10 more pounds in bootcamp, new boy came home from Iraq two days after I got out of bootcamp, new boy got out of army, proposed, one week later he knocked me up, nine miserable months later, we had our daughter with the best disposition a parent could ask for, went to A-school, got my for real real Coast Guard job, got stationed in Detroit, and here we are...

My daughter is almost one. My family is just begun. Im home, or close to it. Im taking online classes for free thanks to tuition assistance, I will have one of the two degrees I have been pursuing for the last ten years before I get out of the Coast Guard. I don't know if I will pursue the other degree or simply try to get into grad school when I am out. (I don't even know if I will be getting out.) I also don't know if any grad school on earth would take me, my grades the way they were for a few years. Oliver and I plan on getting married September 23, 2011. Hopefully we will be able to afford the honeymoon we are daydreaming about. Oliver will be starting classes this semester with his GI bill. I have innumerable opportunities in front of me. I regularly look despondently back at my past. I often miss the carefree relaxed girl I once was. I am slowly coming to peace with myself and slowly repairing the damaged walls of my psyche. I don't think about it much, but my assault in 2003 still plays a huge role in my day to day behavior. I don't think being in the military helps it much. I think I have a very high strung and nervous demeanor now. My newest challenge is finding the balance between being the parent and family I have in my head and the carefree creative independent spontaneous girl I miss.

Anyhow, I think I might be able to sleep now. So Ima try it.
linkpost comment

Its been a long time. [Nov. 21st, 2010|12:43 am]
Noelani's pirate protege
I miss writing. Facebook's little status updates don't satisfy my urge to write. So, Im going to try and get back on here. Right now I am missing an old friend. Specifically, my ex who admittedly broke my heart by disrespecting me something fierce. But its been a few years, we both have families of our own now, and its finally not quite so painful to think back on the memories I have of hanging out with him. I friend requested him on facebook. Im not even second guessing that move either. There's something about having kids that changes everything. I keep contemplating writing him a letter. It started as a twilight thought about a place we hiked together once. I don't remember where it was so my wandering mind started putting together the words to ask him about it. But the memory is so distant its like a dream. I barely remember the place. I can't even remember if it was snowing or rainy at the time. I just remember it was cold. As I went through all the descriptions of it in my mind, I paused and thought about how if I sent a message like that, it would be the most contact I have had with him in almost 3 years. The only other contact I have had was a message he left for me that I didn't respond to and a message I sent him upon the birth of his daughter. I started thinking about breaking from the description in this letter and writing about how I wondered if this meant we were friends again. Of course, I only see us being friends in that invisible internal plane. The one no one sees not even each other. The plane that records our past relationships psychic connection to our history and who we are now. But we can't be friends on the tangible plane. The plane where we grow gray, exhale, bleed, and give birth.

Its at this point that I wish I could just sleep though. Because this is where the insidious thoughts come in. The ones whispering about 'how come this' or 'if you hadnt done that.' I thank heaven that my fiancee is as open and understanding as he is. I really feel like when my ex had his baby, thats when I finally was able to come to terms. I had buried and denied so much I had felt in order to survive... but it only resurfaced then. It drove me crazy for about a week. And then I broke down crying. All that escaped was that I missed my friend.

I will probably always miss that friend. Im not sure they ever existed the way I once thought they did. Reflection is a vivid thing. On reflection, what I found so enticing was the experiences, the music, the poetry, and actually the enormous amount of time alone. Our entire relationship was always on different planes. We never really aligned. So, really if I want that feeling back, I should be able to achieve it by seeking those things from myself. And so, years after the end of that relationship I have learned something from it still. I need to seek out new experiences on my own. Make a priority of those things that were so much fun. And take time to myself to breathe in nature, think creatively, and write. I need to pursue those things that feel so luxurious to me. I never lost anything after all.
linkpost comment

Another day... [Jun. 10th, 2007|01:06 pm]
Noelani's pirate protege
Today I am feeling a lot better. I mean, I wasn't when I woke up but the problem there is not having any control of my dreams and you know the whole being alone and quiet with my thoughts. This and the serotonin drop are also my problems at night. During the day however, I feel shiny. Speaking of which, Vince's suggestion to watch a movie with french subtitles to help me was greatly appreciated as I ended up watching firefly in french with english subtitles. Badger was much more dissapointing in french.

Honestly though, even though it isn't final yet because he won't answer or return my phone calls (specifically one phone call and two text messages in the last three days, and an email, ok... but I really don't think that's too much,) I am feeling pretty good about myself right now. I mean its always hard but I am looking forward to having more time to myself that I control so that I can continue doing some of the things I started when the boy was at NTC or when I was up north last summer. I am going to continue teaching myself french. Soon, I will also be able to work on my piano again. Also, as of tomorrow when my holds are resolved and my fafsa is filled out I will be able to take a short order of classes. Specifically Physics II online, and anything else I can fit into my schedule at PPCC. Of course that requires knowing what my schedule will be and that requires knowing what my job will be.

I am going out applying at fast food places today, not out of desperation - I have good jobs calling me - but because I absolutely loathe my current job, especially when it comes to not wanting to dwell on things that make me upset. So, in the meantime I am seeing if I can't get a burger king job or something so I can just quit and never go back.

Also, I am doing the incline either later today or early tomorrow. Im below 170 which means Ive lost over fifteen pounds since last summer, ten in the last three months, and that I am on my way towards reaching my June goal of 165. My current goal is to lose five pounds a month until I hit my target weight. Which according to the internet is like 130 or something but according to me is 150. The internet does not account for huge boobs.

I should also express the gratitude I have for my friends that have been there for me through this. I know a lot of my friends are very busy people, which is why I dont get a lot of regular calls from them. Any time I need them, however, they are always there with hiking shoe gift certificates and good stories and the like.

I am not to where I want to start writing really, but I am nearly there. This doesn't count for some reason. Its not the emotional poetic kind of writing its more update-esque.

So, my current goals are to get a different better not an hour away job, make more new friends, master the art of getting drinks bought for me, getting in shape, and getting all my school shit situated.

I think Im off to a good start. And honestly, though this is painful, especially in the context that im very distant from my closest friends... I am really proud of what I have out here. Specifically, my car is running, Im slowing accruing the things I want in life (hiking shoes, swimsuits, and close that fit,) and my apartment is wonderful. The only thing I really miss, especially now that I will be more solitary and minus my ball and chain, is my beautiful kitty. Isa is about as companionable as any man I have ever know.

Thats all for now. I am going to go print out resumes now.

Cheers!
link2 comments|post comment

I still feel sick. [Jun. 9th, 2007|04:04 pm]
Noelani's pirate protege
The worst part is that the boy ignored my call. So now I get to sit and wait a little longer to resolve this. I just want to get this over so I can move on from the anxiety stage to the mourning stage. If I dont get called by tonight I am textmessage/email breaking up with him because I cant stand the "in the meantime" bullshit. So, even though Im poor as shit I am going to be drinking tonight because otherwise I will be so anxious I might die and its definitely the only way for me to sleep. Plus, then tomorrow I can work on applying for 14 more jobs. woot.

On a more pleasant, less heartbreaking note... I did really well at my interview. After which I was finally ok to release all the tension that had built in my mind and I sobbed all the way home.

Thats all I have. Now I am going to go turn my mind off with video games, after which I will buy some liqour, after which I will play more video games.

Blah
linkpost comment

I guess its better [Jun. 9th, 2007|12:27 pm]
Noelani's pirate protege

I havn't done it yet because I haven't had the opportunity. I mean, I could email I suppose... but Id rather just tell him. And, surprise - he isn't answering my phone calls. Classic dick move number one. Its hard to say goodbye I guess... but I do deserve better. I deserve someone who can love me back the same I love them. I don't have that in him. At least not while he is all PTSD-anger management problems. And I am no longer willing to wait that out and help him through it. I have too many problems of my own to carry without carrying his. At least, not when he isn't helping me with any of mine. He only makes my life more difficult and more complicated. 

Its really hard to let go of the person you love more than anyone else, even so.

linkpost comment

I would like to mention that I am fantastic. [Jun. 8th, 2007|03:23 pm]
Noelani's pirate protege

Seriously, I spent the entire day applying for jobs and getting shit done and the day isn't even over yet. Neither is my temporary vacation. I applied for fourteen jobs today. Im kind of burned out so I think Ima call it quits for today on that note anyhow. I still need to deposit some money and get an oil change. Oh, and I already have two interviews. AND I got my car insurance for the next six months. I would like to say I am paying ten dollars less for super happy full coverage instead of ninety dollars a month for pdlp - which, yes I know was ridiculous.

I would also like to say that I love my apartment. If it weren't for my apartment those applications would have cost a lot more to put in because faxing is not usually cheap in large quantities. And then there is the whole, I feel good about myself so Ima use the pool and hot tub later. After which I might just exercise in my fitness room.

As for the boy situation. I am confused and don't know what to think. Im still mad but part of me feels like there's no harm in waiting it out a little longer to see if things get a little better with vacation and meds. So, I dont know. But I do know that I am not calling him because he can put forth some damn effort for all I care.

And on that note I am going to go run errands.

linkpost comment

jobbety job job [Jun. 8th, 2007|12:47 pm]
Noelani's pirate protege

I have applied for 7 jobs so far by email and fax with specialized resumes and cover letters for each and I have only been at this for about two hours. I am already exhausted. Perhaps something will come of this.

::finger crossed::

linkpost comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]